
yes, your note has found me. i have been looking at it for weeks, looking for an opportunity to make good on the request.

you'll find a vibrant new playlist (and quiz to go with it).

ich liebe dich. in lima, in berlin. überall.

```-sini```

new, new


we are doing it, bambi. we are fucking doing it.

i am so happy for us. i am so proud of us.

```-sini```


**quick intro:**

i know i know. there's a lot.

some of the following paragraphs will be uncomfortable. i don't mean to bore or annoy you.

(and you got kitkats to chow down as you read this.)

for some things stated here you may think "why do you bring this up now? this is so petty".
to that i would respond: "well, i wouldn't have had to bring this things up EVER if we didn't find ourselves in the situation we are in now. you don't call the firefighters BEFORE the house starts burning."

i also don't expect you to read, absorb and respond to all of this in one go.

and i genuinely tried my best to create space for whatever you felt you needed to share with me over the months. i may not have responded in the way you'd like, but i was there nonetheless.

i hope you create the same space, even if it is for one final time.

thank you.

===

i spent most of my friday evening opening and then closing whatsapp/instagram.

i was hoping for that "aha"-moment i could share with you.

- realise i had been living in a bubble.
- admit i fucked up.
- propose how we could align our expectations better.

but i simply couldn't.

the more my thoughts circled and circled, the more the waves of sadness transformed into blistering disappointment.

===

i asked myself: what if i truly did _not_ make you a priority, because we couldn't spontaneously call each other as much as you would have liked?

so i took this statement at face-value, and made myself believe it to be 100% true. but i had to add what _we both know to be true too_:

we:
- meaningfully inform each other about each others lives and struggles, in great detail–with care and attention
- explore islands and build houses, or unsuccessfully survive the zombie apocalypse
- escape from art museums
- do movie nights with snacks (and not just a zombie netflix marathon, but with a fun, intentional "quiz" attached to it)
- surprise each other with coffee and meals from ACROSS THE GLOBE
- organise birthday gifts and tokens of appreciation by messaging your friends (Will, Ale)
- stay in touch with each others friend circle, despite not having met them
- plan and scheme (for brands and projects)
- curated playlists with bespoke album covers and hand-coded quizzes

or...
- just shit-talk about absolutely nothing without end
- BONUS: me hearing you shout "AMBAR" or "MISHKA" every 30 seconds over the phone when you walk the dogs

for hours.
every week.
for months.

did it require planning or checking in with each others schedule? yes.

my question is: **so. what?**

i still did it at the expense of my sleep. i did it at the expense of my energy levels. i did it at the expense of my hobbies.

and i would have continued doing so. **without complaint.** without fail. for months to come if needed be.

and **your** very valid question will be: **so. fucking. what?**

**you** equally invested your time, adapted your schedule, freed up your afternoons.

you awaited me returning from a grueling 10 hour day at the office. yes, i may have said:

- "i need an hour to have dinner and decompress"
- "let's call but let's do a short one or a movie as my brain is mush"

but i didn't just disappear into the void. i always, always, _always_ showed up. and you kindly and lovingly participated in this ritual.

===

was it the most pleasant ritual? no.

did we make the best of it? maybe.

was it temporary until we got to be together again? yes.

was it going to be even more jarring as you started your job? abso-fucking-lutely.

===

**and still:** i did my best to abide by your wish to call more spontaneously, more often.

i did it even though i was barely managing to keep my life together as it was pulling me into pieces.

and maybe it truly wasn't enough. that's for you to judge.

_but lord i can't say i didn't fucking try._

the fact that you took it as me forgetting/trying not to honor your needs. you getting **angry** at me for it is so overwhelmingly disheartening.

for the record: **you are allowed to feel any way you need to feel.** that's your prerogative.

_but you are responsible for the story you build from the information available to you._ if you decide to ignore all the things we've done for each other and still decide to be angry **despite** knowing that we're doing the best we can with the limited means available to us under incredibly difficult and demanding circumstances: then that's **your** decision.

i am not a wishlist you can add to.
i am not a product you can redesign.

_but:_

i am your partner who is struggling through life as much as you do.

i am your partner who is just as much in need of support.

i am your partner who in the same way doesn't get all of his needs addressed–or even puts his needs on a backlog–_and gladly so_-when he feels he must and he can do so sustainably.

and most importantly: **i am your partner who deeply trusts that you take decisions in our _best shared interest_–and not the worst.**

===

what you don't realise is that i had moments of "feeling disconnected" too.

- there are plenty of messages you never replied to
- there were moments we were on calls where for the first 30 minutes i didn't get to say a "meep" about what happened
- you didn't react or commenting to selfies i sent you
- when you announced your new work schedule i **asked for us to draw up our calendars side-by-side so we know when/how/if we are free**–you didn't even comment on it

and how did i react to it?

- i acknowledged it
- i assumed you have plenty on your mind to process
- i remembered myself what you had told me: "i choose you".
... and moved on.

because i knew it didn't come with malicious intention.
because i knew things would be easier when we're together again.
**because i believed (in) you and us.**

maybe [this instagram post](https://www.instagram.com/p/C9N0cOhy-d2/) is not a self-ironic joke, but truly how you feel.

if so, i am genuinely sorry i am not who you think i was.

===

the cold, hard reality is: i've spent more time, emotional labour on us in 3 months than i have spent on most friendships _ever_. telling me you feel like you're not a priority in my life feels like telling the silver finisher in the olympic games that they suck at sports.

i don't need you to believe me.
i understand that's not enough for you, or maybe just not what you need in this particular moment in time. 

i am just telling you how it is. that's what i have always done.

and that is why i am so deeply disappointed: i gave everything. my most full self, to my best ability.

and you start resenting me because it didn't meet your specifications to the fullest degree?

then we were truly lost in paradise.

===

i tried my best to make it clear in my writing above that you invested as much as i did. a partnership isn't a competition, but a project BOTH parties build. there are no "winners" if the roof collapses.

- i am aware and deeply grateful for everything you have done
- we couldn't have made it if it wasn't for your diligent work and dedication

one more time for the people in the back: **i see you. and i appreciate you.**

but i absolutely and confidently reject the root cause you identified to be the source of how you feel.

i have many guess and many assumptions. but i can't and don't want to guess why you feel disconnected.

- "maybe" synching schedules across multiple timezones fucking sucks
- "maybe" a laggy Google Meets call isn't a replacement for a reassuring glance or a deeply loving hug
- "maybe" attraction is difficult to rekindle on flat, pixelated screens

...maybe it was because you couldn't call me at a moment's notice. and if that is your take-away, i can't stop you.

but i think we both know that would be ignorant at best, insincere at worst.

i _am_ truly sorry that you feel let-down. and i am in disbelief you think it is for a lack of my commitment and prioritisation when literally everything points to the contrary.

===

if you made it this far: i thank you from the bottom of my heart.

whatever feelings may overcome you at this point: fury, confusion, exhaustion, sadness, or any other feeling on the spectrum...

1. welcome to my personal hell of the last 48 hours
2. thank you for making it to the end despite it

i still genuinely hope you got something from it. if you feel like there is still a conversation to be had. let me know. you know how to reach me.

either way: i wish you nothing but joy, love and peace. whatever that may look like. wherever that may be.


```-sidney```

the end of the line


hello twin flame,
how are you burning today?

does your flame run red or blue,
do you sparkle or sway?

carried by the breeze,
carving through gravel and hay.

as we rise into the illuminated sky,
may the fires we light lead the way.


```-sini```

not nothing but something


today is time for simplicity. and i want to share this simple yet beautiful [music mix](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=yUu18aCdEwQ) with you.

es todo.

```-sini```

start


buen día bambi.

it has been a beautiful but rough week. it _was_ lovely to have wednesday off and spend some time dancing in the sun, and seeing berlin bloom. but at the same time i feel guilty for not having had enough time for us to call, nor to work on our projects.

not to say i didn't do anything. both, monday and today (friday) i worked on our little breathwork project. at the same time i realise it has been over a month since coming back, and i feel like there is so much i still have left to do.

"confías en el proceso", i tell myself (in spanish, of course). and i do. but then there are days when i go to bed feeling like i should have done done more... i should have done better. that i don't do enough. naturally, then i judge myself for judging myself and being impatient.

yet, once i lift myself _out_ of this spiral i realise a simple, but beautiful truth emerging from the centre of this little mental black hole: i really, really _want_ to spend my time and energy in places i can find deeper, more fulfilling meaning.

**you and i created a vision what life _could_ be.**

a vision that acts as a map, plotting out the mountains and valleys we have yet to traverse to get to the "promised land".

it's not that the the obstacles didn't exist before. instead, i was just blindly navigating the landscape, bouncing around and not questioning which direction i was headed or whether i made any sensible progress. _now i have something to measure myself against._

and to be fully transparent: it feels terrifying at times. maybe because i realise for the first time in years that i have just been running around, with no sense of meaningful direction.

while this may _sound_ depressing, i really don't think it is. yes, there are steep new new mountain sides we have to climb–but that is how we'll get to discover new horizons too.

and i feel deeply grateful for that. and i thank you for your trust to join me on this journey.

```-sini```

may the may flowers bloom


i just uploaded a new playlist for you to discover (and hopefully enjoy).

i first created it when were travelling to Mancora, but have added a lot of new songs since.

hopefully you enjoy it as much as i enjoyed making it for you. 💿

```-sini```

travelling east


happy birthday bambi. i love you.

```-sini```

happy birthday


modern communication tools are amazing. they are windows into our daily life.

still, i feel like i wanted a space that is **only for us**. a space for us to create, to discover, to wonder... and ponder.

metaphorically speaking: if whatsapp is an ikea shelf, then these "notes" are a piece of driftwood we turned into our own beautiful coffee table.

it's not much right now. just a place for: 

- my random thoughts
- little experiments
- (hints about new playlists 🤫)

but i am confident, with every little step, this will be a beautiful playground (that you can also participate in!).

for now, know that i love you dearly.

```-sini```